so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
