Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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