You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
