I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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