Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
