The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
