A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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