the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
