apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
