if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
