her facebook's as public as her vagina
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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