What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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