Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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