There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
