phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
