1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
