I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
