there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
