i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize