i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
