Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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