I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
