dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
