He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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