I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
