we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
