Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
