you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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