none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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