You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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