The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
