Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
