When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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