shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
