I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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