If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
