Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
