I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
