you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
