it wasn't lemon gatorade
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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