Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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