I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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