Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
