Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
