my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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