Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
