upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
