Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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