dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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