but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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