I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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