Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
