I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
