My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
