Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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