and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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