I wish my penis had an off switch
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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