thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
