You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
