3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
