hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
