It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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