I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
