he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
