I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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