Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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